My Story

There is a good reason why I am so focused on PU. And it has precious little to do with the actual frequency of penetrative sex in my life.

Of course, everybody who gets into this stuff, has his (or her!) own reasons. And all of those reasons are valid.

But I think that, if you care about understanding my postings, you should know this. (And if you don't care about that, why are you still reading this?)

See, I'm a spastic diplegic.

Per se, this doesn't mean anything. It doesn't impair my life in any real way. I could easily apply for a job at the Ministry of Silly Walks, but that's that.

Except that, like every grown up human being, I had to go through puberty. And the combination of a physical disability with the already challenging effects of adolescence are somewhat toxic. After all, your school buddies are going through puberty at the same time as you - except they are in top physical health, faster and stronger and deeply convinced that you're a freak and an alien that needs to be humiliated. Every. Single. Day.

Naw, I cannot claim that I have overly fond memories of my school!

But I don't tell you this so I can whine. I'm perfectly fine with how things turned out.

I just want to make sure you understand this one thing: Back then, when I was 14, 15, 16... I simply did not stand a chance with girls. None, zip, nada. Impossible.

I actually had my first girlfriend at 18, and lost my virginity at 21. That's a bit late, but not overly dramatic. And if I try to be totally objective, I don't think that I had less girls than most average males. Or less adorable ones, for that matter. Perhaps even the opposite, coming to think of it.

But the mind is a tricky little beast, and once it has settled on something, it won't give it up so easily. It actually has that feature in common with sheep who try to fly.

Over those, say, 4 years of complete and utter sexual starvation, I acquired such an awful lot of emotional pain that it stuck with me. I was totally convinced that I was utterly unable to score with women, even after I had objectively proven the opposite.

And when I discovered PU, well, I just fell in love. I fell in love with the idea - not that I can get any woman I want (I soon realized that this is BS), but with the idea of overcoming my own inhibitions. Of being free of a fear that has been with me for such an awfully long time, and that is so ridiculously, obviously stupid. Of being a man that - much more than anyone else - I, myself, would admire and adore.

And that's why I can't ever give up. Working on changing myself is now part of my identity, and it just feels too good. I am hooked, and I admit it freely.

In many ways, I think, "approach anxiety" is a model for a lot of different kinds of fear, inhibition and anxiety. It might have made sense at some point of human evolution, though I do not necessarily subscribe to the evo-psycho explanation of AA - but it certainly is rather useless in today's modern societies. I figure that if one can overcome this fear, one can overcome a lot of other fears as well.... I'll probably go into that in a later posting.